girls poop too.

my 1st born will reign supreme, so help me enfamil.

me: they want one b/c they don't have to fucking give birth to it!
   or ruin their lives over one
   lol
 alicia: and have it suckle at their teets
   omg
 me: 9 months of being fat & sober?
   where do i NOT sign up?!
 alicia: AND HOT
 me: oh helllllllll no
 alicia: i can deal with the fat and sober
   i honestly can
   but the hot
   no
   i can't
 me: no little baby is sucling on these teets
   i don't care if they cure fucking cancer!
   not happening.
 alicia: please don't tell me you're not going to breast feed
   stop it
11: 28 AM i will make you do it
   you have too
 me: def not
   lol
   my mom didn't
 alicia: idiot
 me: we're fine.
 alicia: you have to do it
   DO IT
 me: that is all.
 alicia: no
   you must
 me: hahahahaha
   lol
 alicia: i will not let my neice/nephew/spawn of satan not have natural antibodies
   i was breast fed till i was 2!
 me: nowhere in the book of life does it say "kerstin, you must breast feed your childrens"
11: 29 AM that's b/c GILDA is your mother!
 alicia: yes it does
   hahahahahaha
 me: don vito
   i'll give it to her
   she said, hell no
 alicia: so you're going to give your child synthetic disgusting formular
 me: yep
   & if they don't like it
 alicia: bad mommy
   you're child will have no immune protection for 6 months
 me: the black market will buy up my little aryan looking child no problemmmmm
   hahahaha
 alicia: without boob juice
 me: that's fine
11: 30 AM lol
 alicia: ugh god
   you HAVE to breast feed
   you want breast cancer
 me: lol, i'm living breathing proof that you don'.t
 alicia: you're an exception
 me: hahahah
   then there are MANY exceptions.
 alicia: every study shows that babies who are breastfeed or healtheir and smarter
11: 31 AM *are
   fuck
   haha
 me: i'm pretty up there in the smarts dept.
   so i have confidence in my synthetic-to-be spawn.
   bahahaha
 alicia: my child will be smarter than your child
me: lol
 alicia: i'm laughing so hard
 me: ahahaha
   so am i
   you THINK that.
 alicia: you're kid is going to be drone
 me: but i'm gonna HGH the SHIT out of my kid.
   then we'll see what's up.
 alicia: hahahahahahahahahahaha
 me: & john won't even fight me on that one
 alicia: my child will be a product of healthy boob juice
me: b/c he'll think "omg YES, one step closer to the ULTIMATE JOHN FISKE ATHLETE CHILD"
 alicia: and will probably be reading books at the age of 6 months.. while your kid is still figuring out it has a nose
   hgh
   i can't
 me: & mine will love it's enfamil....
 alicia: NOOOOOOOOOO
 me: or suffer the consequences
   ahahahaha
 alicia: wait till your fucking feeding that kid enfamil
11: 34 AM and they do a recall on it
   you can't recall delicious home made breast milk
 me: then the law suit i slap on them will pay to have the child surgically enhanced to being smarter.
   and then hence, the SUPERIOR baby
   ahahahaha
 alicia: hahahahahahahahahahaha
me: and who the hell are we kidding?
 alicia: this baby is going to be such a schemer
 me: my boob milk would be tainted with all sorts of booze.
 alicia: ugh god
   the most unfit mother as well
 me: baby would know the difference between an IPA & a fucking lager by age 2.
11: 36 AM not gonna lie
 me: i'd be impressed.

& the King Doucher of the week award goes to you, Tom Brady! Really guy? You look like a lesbian, and not a hot one. Then again, you’re still nailing Giselle tonight, kudos.

2 tards in a pod

me: oh yes.
 october's golden on it's own.
 strictly because of the post season.
 john.fiske7: and football...and all the seasonal beer
 me: basically just a bonerfest of joy.
 Sent at 2: 58 PM on Friday
 me: & my imaginary dick's right in the middle.
 too much?
 john.fiske7: hahaha..not with me
 im used to taking it too far
 about time someone else joins me
 me: yeah.
 i'm surprised we don't try & build a fort in our room or something
 akaaaa - tonight??
 bahahaha
 john.fiske7: hahahaha
 I love doing that
 me: lol
 john.fiske7: me and ryan used to do that as kids alll the time
 me: when you were....6?
 we're 25 & 26
 john.fiske7: ppfffff nooo like 20
 me: we need to @ least up the ante here & shoot for a teepee or something
 possibly a long house?
 john.fiske7: I prefer what the cherokees did and that would be a wig wam
 a wig wam? really guy?

Fall weather just makes me miss being 15, wearing Etnies, trying to do my hair like Gwen Stefani’s & listening to Saves The Day. This CD is still awesome 10 years later @ age 25.

[Flash 10 is required to watch video]

my awesome bulldog.

men: if you happen to be in the minority of dudes who have a chill ass girlfriend, go home & thank her today.

me: hahaha
 you have a pretty aweomse g/f
 "i want to watch hard knocks tonight"
 john.fiske7: i love that you like it
 yea i doo
 me: bahahaha
 i want to have a play date with rex ryan.
 like a 6-year-old.
 john.fiske7: hahaha...he might try to eat you as a snack
 me: we can just run our potty mouths, mow down pretzel m&m's & make fun of grown men for usuing dark tanning dry spray oil
 john.fiske7: hahaha...and running shirt less
 me: fuck that, i'll shove a slim jim in his pie hole & tell him to put his boner away.
 omg $5 fine for running shirtless
 john.fiske7: ohhhh my god
 me: i can'tttttt
 john.fiske7: tooo funny
 me: lol
 are you fast forwarding through the episode?
 john.fiske7: yes i am
 theyre trying to kick right now
 me: omg so great.
 when he gets nailed in the chest.
 i almost shit.
 john.fiske7: sooooo great
 piss myself
 me: p.s. that catch nacho makes with his left hand really is amazing.
 Sent at 10: 27 AM on Wednesday
 john.fiske7: yea i was impressed and that takes aalot
 me: yeah

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then — one day — you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then — one day — you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. MAYBE.

“

—	Denis Leary

I will have Carl Winslow teach me how to ‘dougie’ before I leave this earth one day. Side note: TGIF. I’m losing my mind.

an eye-for-an-eye still? really guys?

So only my 2^nd blog of my little insignificant life & I’m about to break not one, but two, of the usual “no-no” topics – politics & religion, at least I know you’re not supposed to talk about them while you’re bartending. I never believed that until I once engaged in a conversation while behind a bar about one of the other No-No’s – sexuality, more specifically – homosexuality. Two straight men ready to beat the living shit out of each other (wasted, clearly) over Ellen DeGeneres & her hot g/f. But whatever, that’s a different story, different rant.

So anyhoo, take a gander at this one: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100819/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_saudi_justice

In a nutshell, the argument or point at hand is that they are trying to make a case for the old “eye-for-an-eye” argument (yeah, the one we learned about in 10^th grade fucking Global, Hammurabi circa a bajillion years BC ring a bell?) claiming that they have the right to demand such repercussions through their rights via ancient Islamic Law. Okay. You know what, people? Get the fuck over it. Get over your fucking religion. You can’t go around snapping necks & spinal cords like you’re Owen Hart falling from the ceiling on Monday Night Raw (which p.s., I will never forgive him for – totally had to go a week without Monday Night Raw circa like 1994 for that little mishap. If you’re gonna go & DIE & ruin my wrestling viewing, at least do it on shitty ass Saturday morning or some shit). Okay, back on track – so yeah, guess what – let the fucking eye-for-an-eye go, ok? It’s done. It’s over. If you’re really that badass & pissed off about what happened, go kill or paralyze the guy yourself – you obviously still sweat his nutsack & stalk the shit out of him if you know he’s a school teacher nowadays.

*to be noted: i stand corrected. big a has informed me that it was NOT in fact a MNR that Owen fell to his demise during, but in fact a Sunday night pay-per-view event. Even more of a WTF, guy?! I think Mr. McMahon owes me a check for somewhere in the ballpark vacinity of $40.*

It just makes no sense. We tell kids – “Well Johnny, if little Mikey jumped off a bridge, would you do it? Would that make it ok?” NO! The answer’s no, you fucking morons. It’s absolutely terrifying that places like this exist in the world, where religion reigns supreme & carries so much god damn weight in EVERYTHING. I mean, hell – they’re willing to straight up die over this shit. I mean, I know my Grandma (best woman ever, p.s. – big ups, G-unit) loves God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit – all the saints – loves ‘em all (obviously version: Roman Catholic God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, saints) but I’m pretty sure the woman’s got enough common sense & isn’t one of those crazy, dramatic, flailing on the stage, “speaking in tongues” Born-agains to know what’s bullshit & what’s not. If you’re that CRAZED and completely engulfed by ANYTHING, let alone religion, I mean – hell, I personally think you should be quarantined. For life. That goes for everyone.

This world is so fucked.

kudos to you, mr. slater.

So I’m new to this whole ‘blogging’ b.s. and while I might technically be days behind the rest of the nosey & overbearing general public, I would just like to say that this whole Jet Blue flight attendant ordeal, is absolutely hilarious. Like pop me a bag of Orville Redanbacher, plop down on my fat ass & enjoy kind of hilarious. 1st of all, good for you, man. You did, what every single one of us pions who gets up @ 6a.m. & schleps to work every god forsaken day only daydreams about having the balls to do; flipping a total shit & exiting in a hilarious and bold manner, cold beer in hand. I ab-so-fucking-lutely salute you. The fact that he’s gay only sets my ready-to-laugh-my-ass-off-at-all-times mind afloat even more. I can only hope there were hand gestures and sashaying galore. Seriously, why could I have not been on that flight?! I would’ve bitten off all of my nails in a combination of sheer suspense, admiration and utter appreciation for the fucking GEM of a situation at hand. For a minute, I would have thought to myself, “Maybe there is a God…”. Then, I would have snapped out of it, and immediately followed him down the emergency chute with not 1, but 2 beers in hand (Afterall, God did give us 2, right?) - maybe even shirtless if I was feeling saucy enough.

But anyhoo, I really don’t see how anyone can’t think that this is just amazing. Why you would be offended, or even so much as have something bad to say about this is just beyond me, if nothing else then just for the absolute hilarity of the situation. You’re going to sit and tell me that you’ve never just gone apeshit & flipped out before? Ever? I mean, granted I’ve had a high proportion of these such instances, which for a female with blonde hair standing at a measly 5’5” may be somewhat ridiculous, but hey - fuck off. I personally think it’s hilarious. I mean, if I had a dollar for everytime a client, customer, or just person in general pissed me off or was down right rude or nasty to me? Forget it. I’d be makin’ it rain like Lil Wayne in an Atlanta stripclub high and drunk as shit with my pants dangling dangerously low and close to my kneecaps.

In a nutshell, cheers to you, Mr. Slater.